Sunday, December 19, 2010

About me

About me...

I am intelligent, sensitive, honest and sincere. I am very idealistic: pacifist/non-violent, environmentalist, non-sexist, non-racist, non-agist, non-jealous, not into looksism. (As proof of how non-agist I am, the people I've dated in the last few years have ranged in age from their early 20s to their late 70s.) I like good, healthy, clean living: healthy food, no drugs, no smoking, no alcohol, ONLY SAFE sex. Although I am not athletic, I love long walks. My main interest is personal sharing and getting to know people deeply, honestly and intimately. Not into non-intimate pastimes like games, sports, TV, etc. I like movies with "heart", meaning, an uplifting message; no violence. I like comedy and humor, but no jokes that are aimed to be at anybody's expense. I like LOTS of sex, but only in the context of relationships where we know each other well and care deeply about each other. I don't pay attention to gender; I don't care if a person is male or female; I just like universally human qualities, like honesty, integrity, compassion and cuddly affectionateness. I don't believe in exclusivity, nor jealousy, just deep loving caring and complete honesty.


Cuddly affectionateness is the most important thing to me. I love cuddly sexual relationships! Sexually, I love affectionately holding and cuddling and kissing and caressing each other all over head to toe until we orgasm! (as often as we can!) But before, during, and after, we continue cuddling. I also like being cuddly and affectionate everywhere, not just in bed. I like to cuddle and be affectionate all the time everywhere, as much as we can (in ways appropriate for where we are). I am primarily looking for partners who are as interested in being frequently/constantly affectionate as I am. Not just in bed, but also sitting together holding or touching when we can, or at least holding hands across the table, and holding hands or having arms around eachother when we walk.

I love to express and enhance the feeling of cuddlyness by wearing soft fluffy furry angora sweaters and furs. My biggest turn-on is soft fluffy furriness. I sleep snuggling with angora sweaters and fur coats between furry blankets rather than sheets. I wear angora, mohair, or cashmere sweaters or fleece shirts with fleecy pants and fleece-lined Ugg-style boots almost all the time, everywhere.


Looking for...

Cuddly affectionate idealistic healthy clean living people like me. Into open honest deep personal vulnerable intimate sharing/communication. Into coming together completely as EQUALS, with NO preconceived gender or power/position-based top/bottom roles. Bisexual or at least bifriendly. Polyamorous, nonjealous, nonpossessive, nonexclusive, but still fully committed and devoted to loving and caring and compassion and being fully present and 'there' for each other as much as possible. Bipoly loving family where everyone loves everyone equally in every way, regardless of gender. Open to 2some, 3some, 4some, moresome sexual interactions among the loving partners regularly, not just as an occasional fling. Ideally also fuzzy lovers, but at least accepting and supportive and encouraging of my fuzzy fetish passions.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why I ignore gender

I do not pay attention to gender in my personal relating nor even in my sexuality. I do not identify myself as a man, and I do not pay any attention to whether people I am relating to or attracted to are male or female. I am actually turned off by both masculinity and femininity. I only pay attention to each person's humanity, personhood, universal human qualities.

Gender identification disempowers people by misleading them to think that they are (and naturally must be), and thus to settle for being, less than their full human potential. The masculine and feminine genders are defined by dividing the universe of potential human characteristics into two arbitrarily culturally-defined subsets, then each gender is defined by over-emphasising one subset of characteristics that is assigned to that gender and de-emphasizing, actually disowning, the other subset of characteristics that has been arbitrarily assigned to be the strengths of the other gender.

Males are expected to be strong, goal-oriented, self-assured, dominant, unemotional, competitive. Females are expected to be weaker, less intelligent, more emotional, soft, receptive, nurturing, sensitive, submissive, self-denying. "Enlightened" modern cultures give lip-service to encouraging males and females to be more liberated, for males to embrace their "feminine side" and be more emotionally sensitive and nurturing, and for females to develop their "masculine side" and embrace their intelligence, strength, and self-esteem. However, it is just this considering these characteristics as a masculine or feminine "side" that interferes with the encouragement to embrace our full potential. Boys and girls are subjected to overwhelmingly strong and very rigid messages that are usually quite vehemently enforced to look and act like a boy if you have a penis, to look and act like a girl if you have a vagina, and to learn to grow up to be a real man or proper woman. This is how the limiting stereotypes of masculinity and femininity are passed on and firmly entrenched generation after generation. By the time more enlightened messages are later given to embrace our full potential, it is too late, because it is then being just layered on top of the rigid limiting gender images that were so strictly imposed on us as children. To call strength, intelligence, and assertiveness a woman's "masculine side" that must be developed, and to call nurturing and sensitivity a man's "feminine side" that must be embraced, externalizes and holds those attributes at arm's length rather than fully claiming, internalizing, and owning them as fully integrated innate aspects of the self. Also, society gives men and women very mixed messages, with the more enlightened facets encouraging liberation while conservatives continue to try to impose and enforce the more limiting traditional gender roles.

So for me, the route to full liberation has been to be completely outside the gender paradigm (which I luckily did so early in childhood that I do not remember ever being inside it). I am not susceptible to messages about what it is to be a real man, because I do not consider myself a man and do not try to nor want to be one. I just want to be myself. I value being intelligent and sensitive and self-directed and nurturing and self-confident and considerate and assertive and caring and logical and affectionate. I feel free to choose from the full range of human characteristics and decide which I choose to embody. I choose to be cooperative rather than competitive, compassionate rather than judgmental, peaceful rather than violent. I choose to be neither dominant nor submissive, but to relate only as equals. On a less moral and more just preferential side, I choose to be just strong enough to be healthy, but not athletic. I choose to have long hair and wear soft fuzzy clothing, but not look feminine.

When I look for other people to be with, to be close to and intimate with, I look for the same characteristics that I value in myself. And I ignore whether they are male or female, as well as ignoring their age, looks, height, weight, race, etc. What matters is whether we share the same values and want to do the same things.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Living Love Affirmations


The following affirmations are adapted and expanded by me from the Twelve Pathways authored by Ken Keyes Jr. in his Handbook to Higher Consciousness. About two-thirds of this is Ken's words. I added the rest to fill in the other essential concepts and tools from the Handbook and his other Living Love books that Ken had not included in his original Twelve Pathways. Thus, the affirmations below present all the essential concepts and tools of Living Love together in the same powerful affirmation format.

I am freeing myself from the security, sensation, and power addictions that make me try to forcefully control the people and situations in my life, and thus destroy my serenity and keep me from loving myself and others unconditionally.

I am discovering how my consciousness-dominating addictive conditioning distorts my perceptions to create my illusory versions of the changing world of people and situations around me.

I welcome the opportunity, even if painful, that my minute-to-minute experience offers me to become aware of the addictions I must reprogram to be liberated from my robot-like emotional patterns.

When I notice myself becoming emotionally upset, I consciously focus on associating my perceived suffering exclusively with the addictive conditioning that is its only true immediate and practical cause, and don't blame anyone nor anything external nor myself as a whole being.

I focus my attention to identify the positive intentions that are always behind everything everyone says or does.

I choose to replace my addictive conditioning with preferential programming, and I choose the preferential programming that I want to replace my addictive conditioning.

I reprogram my addictions to uplevel them to preferences by repeatedly affirming loving acceptance for the people and situations that trigger my addictions, and by constantly reminding myself that I can achieve my positive intentions whether or not my demands are met.

I accelerate my reprogramming process by using consciousness focussing techniques to redirect the emotional energy generated by my addictions to serve as a psychic lubricant to help insert my chosen preferential programming deeper into my consciousness more quickly.

I always remember that I already have everything I need to enjoy my here and now, unless I am letting my consciousness be dominated by demands and expectations based on the dead past or the imagined future.

I take full responsibility, here and now, for everything I experience, since it is my own programming that creates my experience and my actions, and also influences the reactions of all around me.

I accept myself and everyone completely here and now and consciously experience everything we feel, think, say, and do, including our emotion-backed addictive demands, as a necessary part of our growth into higher consciousness.

I open myself genuinely to all people by being willing to fully communicate my deepest feelings, since hiding in any degree only keeps me stuck in my illusion of separateness from other people.

I feel with loving compassion the problems of others, without getting caught up emotionally in their predicaments that are offering them messages they need for their growth.

I act freely when I am tuned-in, centered, and loving, but if possible, I avoid acting when I am emotionally upset and depriving myself of the wisdom that flows from love and expanded consciousness.

I instantly double my consciousness and loving compassion and inner wisdom by consciously perceiving everything everyone says or does as though I had said it or done it, and by consciously identifying with the positive intentions behind all our words and actions.

I am continually calming the restless scanning of my rational mind in order to tune in to the finer energies that enable me to unitively merge with all around me.
(in other words) I am quieting the chatter of my mental interferences so as to percieve the subtler cues that I can use to guide me to make optimally wise decisions that harmoniously flow with every situation I meet.

I am constantly aware of which of the seven centers of consciousness I am using, and I feel my energy, perceptiveness, wisdom, effectiveness, love, compassion, inner peace, and happiness growing as I expand my consciousness to open all seven centers of consciousness, from security, sensation, and power, to love, cornucopia, conscious awareness, and cosmic consciousness.

I am learning to live the law of higher consciousness, to love everyone unconditionally, including myself, by consciously perceiving everyone, including myself, as an awakening being who is here to claim our birthright to the higher consciousness planes of unconditional love and oneness.

I maximize my effectiveness by loving more and demanding less.
I maximize my happiness by loving more and demanding less.

All ways we're living love.
We're all one living love.
All ways we live love.
We are one living love.

THE MEANING OF LIFE AND HOW TO LIVE WISELY
Love is the meaning of life.
Love gives meaning to life.
The meaning of life and the reason for living is to learn to love unconditionally.

Everything in life is perfect, either for our happiness or for our growth.
Whatever we enjoy is perfect for our happiness.
Whatever we do not enjoy is perfect for our growth, because it gives us the opportunity to continue working on learning to love unconditionally.

(And even though it comes from a different source, I adapted the following and include it here, because it fits so well along with all the above.)
Regarding things that I wish were different, I seek and claim the strength and courage to change the things that I can change, the serenity to accept what can not be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The first polyamory books I discovered

The first polyamory writings I discovered were the poly relationships discovery novels of Robert Rimmer from the 60s and 70s: The Harrad Experiment (the first one I read at 18), Proposition 31, the Premar Experiments, Come Live My Life, The Rebellion of Yale Marratt, Love Explosion, etc. Also the poly social science fiction of Robert Heinlein: Stranger In A Strange Land, I Will Fear No Evil, Time Enough for Love, etc. These books did not introduce me to the idea of polyamory, because that just came naturally to me; I could never understand why everybody else was into monogamy and exclusiveness. But these books let me know that others were also thinking about and writing about what I had always thought. I did not get introduced to poly magazines/journals like Loving More until the last 30 years, by which time I was no longer as interested in reading about it so much because I was more focussed on just doing it.

My Idealism

My idealistic belief system, my philosophy of life, my spirituality, is based on a combination of 2 related philosophical thought/practice systems: Living Love/The Science of Happiness, as presented in the Handbook to Higher Conscousness by Ken Keyes Jr., and Nonviolent/Compassionate Communication, presented in Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Compassion, by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend reading both books. They clearly explain what I consider to be the highest ideals of how to live. I hope they are still available in libraries and book stores.

Now more explanation of aspects of my spirituality that would likely not be covered in those books. I am an atheist for ethical reasons. I highly value high self estieem and believe in self/internal authority. Belief in a higher power, a god or gods, is just putting oneself down, believing that oneself is not worthy and wise enough to determine for oneself what is best. Society is structured to inculcate everyone to subject and sumit themselves to external authority. That way the masses can be controlled and made to do what the people in power want (including the ultimate counterproductive insanity of war). People like me (alas there are too few) who are ethically oriented to rely on being guided by their internal authority would never subject themselves to participating in such destructive insanity. So to maintain its power structure, society transmits and perpetuates the submissive nature in people through the family structure and what is considered normal, healthy, necessary parenting actions. Children are trained that they must do what their parents and other authority figures tell them to do. And they are told how they should think. They are not allowed to decide for themselves what is best to do, to develop an internal authority. In order to keep people under control after they are no longer small enough to easily be controlled by brute parental force, society extended the parental controlling role by creating the ultimate parental authority figure(s), invisible, omnipresent, all-knowing parental authority figure(s), God(s). I affirm the primacy and wisdom of my internal authority and refuse to degrade myself by imagining and subjecting myself to a higher power, God. By affirming my internal authority, I take on the responsibility for gathering the necessary information and input from others and discerning and deciding wisely what is the most healthy desirable course of action providing the most benefit and least detriment for all concerned.

Turning from the idealistic spiritual ethical perspective to a more personal perspective, my growing up thinking for myself and deciding for myself and holding high self esteem (knowing that I am worthy and deserve the best) has affected my life profoundly. I have always sought to find and determine what is best (to me) and then focus on what I think is best and leave the rest alone. That is why after I decided that intimacy is the best kind of human interaction for me, I have focussed my life (outside of work) on intimacy (both intimate verbal communication and intimate cuddly touch) and have been losing interest in many other things. Similarly when I discovered and decided that soft fluffy furryness is the best texture that my skin can feel, I focussed on that being the only texture I want to feel, and cover myself all over in soft fuzzies. I recognize that in these ways I have excessively narrowed and limited myself, but I accept myself as I am.

Now, I will explain how being born Jewish profoundly affected my life. As a Jew born just 4 years after the end of world war II, my psyche was steeped in the terrors of the Holocaust. I lived with this terrible fear buried deep inside that I could be tortured and killed just for being a Jew. And even though I was not brought up practicing in the faith, my nose would always clearly identify me as a Jew to anyone. Although I have been very fortunate and I have never actually personnly experienced any antisemitism, when I was a pre-schooler, my older brother was getting beaten up every day at school by gentile bullies. So I knew the threat and danger was real. I was, though, also brought up to believe that jews were hated by gentiles out of envy, because we were so successful professionally and financially, and that our success was because we had high standards of valuing learning and scholarship. So I learned that I as a Jew was basically good (even better than others?) despite being hated for being different.

As I grew up and developed self esteem and learned to think and decide for myself, I internalized and transformed that danger of being a Jew in a creative and liberating way. First of all, as the years went by and I was not personally experiencing horrendous antisemitic acts, I began thinking that maybe the world might be safer for me than I had thought. Further, since I was already living with the danger of my nose marking me as a Jew no matter what I did, and I was growing up in a town where my family were the only Jews, so I had grown used to feeling different from most of the people around me, then why should I fear being different from everybody else in other ways too? This was the liberating part! So when I noticed that I was attracted to gentle boys and wanted to cuddle with them, but I was the only boy I knew who felt this way, and I knew that people said it was bad, then I still knew there was nothing wrong with me for feeling that way, and as long as I didn't let anybody know how I felt, I was fine. Again, when I discovered I was attracted to soft fuzzy things in a way that nobody else was, I knew I was fine. And if I am already walking around with a Jewish nose that everybody can see, why can't I also let everbody see me wearing soft fuzzy sweaters? And if I wanted to grow my hair long when everybody else is cutting theirs short, why not? So I gave myself permission to be exactly the way I want to be, even though I am different from everybody else. And I gave myself the freedom to be open about how I am, unless I have clear evidence that it would be dangerous to do so. So I knew it would be dangerous to openly express attraction and affection to boys when I was a child, but as an adult I know that the world has changed enough so I can safely walk hand in hand with a man and even kiss anywhere I want to go, and I do not want to go anywhere that it is not safe. And I know that no safety is total and absolute; a crazy person could pop up anywhere. But I feel safe enough to be myself openly. And I celebrate that!

Other things about me

I have been accused of having packrat tendencies. Lukily, in recent years, I have been able to keep that focussed just on my huge collection of soft fuzzy things. I no longer accumulate anything else, which is good because I have never learned to enjoy throwing anything out. 

To further explain my alternative attitude toward ignoring and tolerating clutter, there is a common view that a cluttered environment creates a distracted cluttered mind. My personal experience and perspective is the opposite. I see people who notice the clutter around them and then obsessively think about what to get rid of to eliminate the clutter, as polluting their own mind with unnecessary distracting thoughts . I keep my mind clear and focused and serene by simply ignoring clutter around me and staying focused on what matters to me. I think the clutter that matters and does harm is cluttering the mind with noticing and getting upset about and efforting at changing things that don't even need to be noticed.

My weight has yoyoed throughout my adult life. I am currently about 200, 70+ pounds down so far from my alltime high of 270 in 2008. I have to keep at it now through the long process to get myself back down to 170. The last time I was in the 170s was 2006. I actually don't diet. My pattern has been that I lose weight by losing my appetite when I am depressed. I usually get depressed when I have lost friendships to death or them moving away or groups dissolving. When I am feeling good because I have abundant friendships and social activities, I have a voracious appetite and enjoy sharing meals with my friends, and most of our social activities include potlucks. So then my weight balloons up rapidly. In 2008, my extreme excess weight actually caused a new depression to set in. I felt so weighed down and draggy it made me feel sick and I could not fully enjoy much of anything any more. So I lost interest in most social activities and mostly stayed home alone in bed and lost my desire to eat as long as I stayed in bed. As the weight came off, I have started feeling better and more interested in doing things again, and now I am faced with needing to stick to my determination to continue dropping the exess weight until I get down to my healthy range and then keep it there. In 2013-14, my weight has stayed fairly constant, between 200 and 235, for the first time in ages, which I have considered a small victory since I have been feeling good and enjoying life again but have managed to keep myself from gaining weight. But now I am redoubling my determination and efforts to shed the remaining pounds to get my body back to its ideal weight range.

I never learned to cook. Mostly I just don't eat at home. I have breakfast and lunch at work and then just don't have a supper. That has contributed to my losing weight. On weekends I don't eat anything when I am really depressed. Now I am eating just a lunch each weekend day. Forgoing suppers is easy for me because I do not feel comfortable in bed if I have a full stomach.

When I had an active social life my bedtimes were very eratic, ranging from before 8 if I had nothing to do to after midnight if I had an evening activity. The eratic sleep schedule combined with sleep apnea to cause me to doze frequently at work. My boss finally told me at the end of 2008 that I had to do something about it or I would be in trouble. So I went to the doctor and took a sleep apnea test and got a sleep breathing machine and mask that I now wear every night. The breathing tube mask makes me look like a cross between Darth Vader and the Borg. I was also told to keep regular sleep hours and get at least 8 hours a night. So I have routinely been going to bed before 8 on work nights. I take the breathing mask off around 4:30, and then luxuriate semi awake in my furry bed just enjoying the luscious fluffy feelings until I get up at 5:45, shower and dress to leave by 6:30 to be at work by 7. On weekends I dont have hours. I enjoy my furry bed so much that I just don't get up unless and until I have something in particular to do. I am often in bed until 2 or 3 pm. If invited to do something with someone in a morning, I will get up whenever I need to. The time I go back to bed on weekends just depends on whether I have an evening activity. When I was depressed, I didn't get up on the weekend at all except to go to the bathroom.

Sexy Smells

Another way that I have been blessed and cursed with an idiosyncrasy that has socially isolated me, is that my favorite most sexually appealing scents are the odors that most people consider repulsive, body odors, armpits, feet, and especially crotch smells. Perfumes actually turn me off. It's a blessing because I don't have to pay for perfumes to smell what turns me on the most. But a curse because other people are so turned off by the odors that turn me on.

More On My Polyamory

In my idea of polyamory, Love can and should last forever, and should not end just because we found someone else to love also. I have stayed lifelong friends with all my poly partners. And the new ones get to know the old ones. (The only times ever I broke up with people and did not remain friends was with each of my 3 non-poly monogamous wives, when over the years together we found out about aspects of eachother's personalities that we really did not like and so we did not stay friends.)

I am not interested in sexual variety. I just like to be as affectionate with my friends as they are willing to share with me. And for me it is only natural that loving affection could include sexuality if they want to share that with me. It is important to me that my primary partner not feel upset about such affectionateness. It is all just expressing and sharing love.

I also do not feel the need that most people have to focus sexual affection on just one person at a time. I can enjoy sharing loving affection with 2 or 3 other people at the same time (all in bed together). It feels wonderful to have loving people on both sides.

I have been in 3 triad relationships and 1 quad. In each case, everyone loved everyone equally.

Throughout my adult life I have surrounded myself with straight friends who are liberal enough that gender orientation and polyamory are not an issue. My being surrounded by such accepting liberals made my life as a bi poly man with long hair who wears fuzzy sweaters much easier. Especially for all the years when I was the only bi I knew and the many more years when I was the only man I knew who gets turned on by wearing fuzzy sweaters.

My need for cuddling is so strong that I can't stand sleeping with empty arms, so I sleep cuddling fuzzy body pillows. I would love to be with someone who simply always wants to be in eachothers arms, always being affectionate (but decent as appropriate) wherever we are.

Relaxation and Serenity

Along with being addicted to cuddly affection and soft fluffy furryness and intimacy, I am also addicted to total relaxation and serenity. I have no desire for thrills, kicks, or exciting entertainment. I find that kind of stuff overwhelming. So in addition to avoiding action and horror shows, I also can't stand loud raucus music with a driving beat, hard rock,metal, rap, etc. I like music that is sweet and serene, or if it is energetic, it is uplifting, classical, jazz, folk, new age, show tunes, ballads, etc. I love slow dancing where we hold each other close affectionately, swaying to the music, and don't pay too much attention the steps. I do not do fast dancing where people don't touch at all or at most hold hands. I do not crave to be entertained, I just crave to share intimate communication and cuddling/affection. I sometimes spend whole weekends quietly relaxing in bed, in silence, enjoying floating in soft fluffy furryness letting its cuddly touch stimulate me to feel orgasmic. Oh how I crave to share that relaxed cuddly bliss with a loving cuddly partner!

My addiction to serenity and relaxation also extends into my relationship style and preferences. I like mellow easygoing people without tempers/raging or high anxiety/drama. While most of my friends are intellectual and many are activists, I sometimes feel overwhelmed and want to escape when they endlessly discuss the news, politics, the state of the world, conspiracy theories, etc. I prefer to relaxedly focus my attention on what I enjoy, what I want, and not spend so much time paying so much attention to what I do not like and do not want. I believe in prudently paying just enough attention to what is not wanted in order to take appropriate actions to avoid it, and no more.

I bring the same sense of serenity and relaxation to my sexuality. As I said, my sexuality arises from relaxed cuddling and caressing. I have a fantasy of what I call effortless lovemaking/orgasms. We just cuddle and caress and stroke and kiss and lick each other relaxedly/joyously/stimulatingly without efforting in any way. No athletic positions that require using muscles to support our weight, holding ourselves or the other up. Just mostly letting the bed support us as we relaxedly cuddle and embrace. When either one is lying on top of the other, enjoying just relaxing and snuggling into each other, embracing and holding each other close, rather than the one on top having to strain his arms holding himself up off the other and just letting the genitals touch.

My problem with my solo/alone sexuality has been that although I gift myself with luscious cuddly soft fluffy sensations all over my body, the arm/hand that is stroking myself feels like it is efforting to maintain the stroking, and that feeling of efforting detracts from the experience. On the other hand, when I am with a cuddly lover, my arms continually glide effortlessly and tirelessly, almost automaticaly, gently and tenderly and lovingly over their entire body, eagerly sharing with them the cuddly touching that feels best to both of us.

Because I have so many health-challenged friends and because I crave to cuddle so much more of the time than other healthy people want to allocate out of their busy lives, I had created a daydream/fantasy/hope that I could find someone who has to be in bed much of the time who would want me to be in bed with them, cuddling and quietly and relaxedly making cuddly love day and night. And hopefully they would find that cuddling and loving made them feel better and healthier and enjoy their life more than just sleeping/resting alone.